1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:03,435 (Man) Who'll start me at 100? 100 for a start. 2 00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:05,528 100, I'm bid. 100, I'm bid. 3 00:00:05,605 --> 00:00:08,472 Who'll give me 10, who'll make it 110? I'm looking for 110. 4 00:00:08,541 --> 00:00:10,600 100? 110 I'm bid. 110? 5 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:14,169 Who'll make it 20? Come on, gentlemen, who'll make it 20? 6 00:00:14,247 --> 00:00:16,647 120, I'm bid. It's with you, madam, at 120. 7 00:00:16,716 --> 00:00:19,184 Do I hear 50? 150 anywhere? 8 00:00:19,252 --> 00:00:23,951 Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique. They don't come up every day. 150? 9 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,821 150 I'm bid. 10 00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:31,129 Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for 350. 11 00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:33,495 350 anywhere? 12 00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:36,535 Don't lose it, madam, don't lose it for another 50. 13 00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:40,061 350 anywhere? 350 I'm bid. 14 00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:43,371 At 350. Who'll make it four? I'm looking for four. 15 00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:46,310 Any more? At 350. 16 00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:50,577 Are you all done? At 350? At 350... 17 00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:52,940 Lovejoy. 18 00:01:03,029 --> 00:01:07,932 you better lock your house... 19 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,663 ( 20 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,933 (Car horn) 21 00:01:30,857 --> 00:01:32,518 (Horn continues) 22 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:45,569 (Backfiring) 23 00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:54,237 (Man on megaphone) Now, there are many of you standing here who probably know me. 24 00:01:54,314 --> 00:02:01,584 I've been here for many years. I've lived in the village for 18 years, 25 00:02:01,654 --> 00:02:03,986 but before that I was born here. 26 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:08,960 My family lived here for the last 500... more than 500 years. 27 00:02:09,762 --> 00:02:11,662 - During that time... - (Car horn) 28 00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:13,722 ...the village has remained... - (Shop bell) 29 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,292 ...the beautiful place it has always been. 30 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:22,331 But I want you to join me in protesting... 31 00:02:22,408 --> 00:02:26,310 Hello, Lovejoy. Fancy the jelly glass, do you? 32 00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:30,247 (Man)... with the requirement for the removal and destruction 33 00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:35,185 of the most interesting, most beautiful, oldest buildings in the village. 34 00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:36,517 Lovejoy? 35 00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:40,150 Lovejoy? 36 00:02:56,075 --> 00:02:58,043 Hello, Lovejoy, how are ya? 37 00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:02,714 - Do you want breakfast, Lovejoy? - Please, Woody. 38 00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:04,750 A cup of Earl Grey, perhaps. 39 00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:27,034 You know what that is, don't you, Mr. Lovejoy? 40 00:03:27,106 --> 00:03:29,131 I can see it's not a singing telegram. 41 00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:41,617 Ten thous... Ten thousand pounds? 42 00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:44,885 You people a banana short of a bunch? I haven't got that kind of money. 43 00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:47,119 Mr. Lovejoy, the Inland Revenue 44 00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:49,787 has not had a penny out of you for the past three years. 45 00:03:49,862 --> 00:03:52,126 Look, that's only just over 3,000 a year. 46 00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:55,634 Oh, only 3,000 a year, is that all? You had me worried for a minute. 47 00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:58,730 - How do you propose to pay it? - Pay it? 48 00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:01,535 I can't pay it, well, I mean not all in one go. 49 00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:05,135 - You could go to prison, you know. - Look, um... 50 00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:10,513 I'm sure there's a benevolent streak somewhere in an attractive woman like you, mm? 51 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,642 Would you consider giving me time to pay? 52 00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:14,050 How much had you in mind? 53 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,145 - About a decade. - How about a month? 54 00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:18,656 - How about six? - Make it two and you've got a deal. 55 00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:24,187 You don't have a pearl-handled revolver in there somewhere, do you? 56 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,323 Oh, I'm sure you'll manage, Mr. Lovejoy. 57 00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:29,835 You strike me as being one of life's natural survivors. 58 00:04:29,902 --> 00:04:31,096 Do I? 59 00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:33,604 We'll be monitoring your progress, Mr. Lovejoy. 60 00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:35,368 I bet you will. 61 00:04:38,177 --> 00:04:41,772 - Have you get any rat poison, Woody? - I've put it in already. 62 00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:22,779 One of the joys of buying rare and beautiful things 63 00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:25,016 is coming to a sale like this. 64 00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:26,922 Now, most of the punters here are farmers 65 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:32,556 who are here to bid each other sky-high over a roll of tangled chicken wire, 66 00:05:32,632 --> 00:05:36,625 a dozen bald tires and an old Cortina, oh, non-runner, of course. 67 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:40,696 What they don't know is that beneath this pile of crap 68 00:05:40,773 --> 00:05:43,742 is something so valuable that if they bought it, 69 00:05:43,810 --> 00:05:47,268 they wouldn't have to look at a cow's udder for 12 months. 70 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:51,875 But they won't buy it because they neither have the knowledge nor the skill, 71 00:05:51,951 --> 00:05:54,078 but I have and I will. 72 00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:28,511 Tink? 73 00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:30,317 Tink? What... 74 00:06:31,023 --> 00:06:32,650 - What are you doing? - Hello, Lovejoy. 75 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:34,659 I didn't think you were gonna make it. 76 00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:39,221 Why did you drag me down? This... really is a load of crap. 77 00:06:39,298 --> 00:06:42,392 Oh, you're wrong there, Lovejoy. As President Reagan would say, 78 00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:45,960 - "You ain't seen nothing yet." - Well, where is it? 79 00:06:46,038 --> 00:06:49,201 All in good time, Lovejoy, all in good time. 80 00:06:52,845 --> 00:06:56,804 - So who was this Catesby, then? - He was a local scrap merchant 81 00:06:56,883 --> 00:06:58,077 and a terrible farmer. 82 00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:00,813 I saw this whole place go to ruin when his son went inside. 83 00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:02,252 - What for? - I don't know. 84 00:07:02,321 --> 00:07:06,883 I think he got four years for grievous bodily harm and burglary, something like that. 85 00:07:07,827 --> 00:07:09,761 - What about that, then? - What about it? 86 00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:13,230 - 18th-century, all oak, Welsh dresser. - Half missing. 87 00:07:13,299 --> 00:07:16,393 No, it's not, I gathered up all pieces this morning with my own bare hands. 88 00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:18,198 All this chicken shit, it burns the wood. 89 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:22,367 Not this, though, that's 300 years old if it's a day. It's as hard as bell metal. 90 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,172 - Any worm? - Nothing that a cupful of Polyfilla 91 00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:27,041 and a gob of beeswax wouldn't cure. 92 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:30,776 I saw one of these knocked down last month for 1500 quid and that was to the trade. 93 00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:33,114 - What's Gimbert's estimate? - He'll be happy with 5. 94 00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,381 - Any competition? - Just a bunch of scrap merchants 95 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,424 and pig farmers who couldn't tell a Welsh dresser from Welsh rabbit. 96 00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:42,325 - There is a Frenchman though, Vol or... - Vial? 97 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:46,661 Vial ready money merchant, wholesaler. Divides his time between London and Dijon. 98 00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:49,530 - Surprised there's no watermark. - He wants to view this though. 99 00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:51,900 - What did you tell him? - That it was under a bale of hay 100 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:53,438 and I'd root it out for him. 101 00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:55,667 I mentioned it was good for nothing but firewood, 102 00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:57,868 but he said he'd bid for it anyway, sight unseen. 103 00:07:57,944 --> 00:08:03,712 Well, it might not be a... bad idea just to show him anyway. 104 00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:06,411 That's not fair, Lovejoy, you're gonna get us into trouble. 105 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,580 I stopped being fair the day I started selling this stuff. 106 00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:11,782 Lay that down and cover it over with stuff, eh? 107 00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:14,691 There'll be a little something in this for you, Tinker. 108 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,160 It usually is a little something. 109 00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:24,093 Ah, just the man I want to see. 110 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,901 Hello, Charlie, still auctioning rubbish, I see. 111 00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:30,602 And I gather you're still selling it. 112 00:08:30,676 --> 00:08:33,645 Now look, you still owe me �400 for that long-case clock. 113 00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:35,704 - It's been over a month. - My, my how time flies. 114 00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:38,614 - Represent the check. - I did. It's been returned twice already. 115 00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:42,450 You know the reason I haven't shifted that clock is because it has no insides, 116 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,784 as if you didn't know. 117 00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:47,417 Caveat emptor, Lovejoy. Caveat emptor. 118 00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:49,984 Now look, I'm gonna be totally open and honest with you. 119 00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:52,929 (Laughs) I mean, if you say so, Charlie. 120 00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,433 I'm thinking of serving you with a writ for the money. 121 00:08:55,501 --> 00:08:57,731 Come to think of it, you should get it within the week. 122 00:08:57,803 --> 00:09:00,397 - Oh, well, I might not be there then. - What? 123 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,464 - You're actually leaving? - Not exactly. 124 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:07,002 I was hoping that you'd re-house me, that is until the local health inspector 125 00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:10,879 declares our drains free of blockage and contamination. 126 00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:13,077 What do you mean, contamination? 127 00:09:13,152 --> 00:09:17,054 Ah, you see, that just shows you how long since you've been there sniffing around, doesn't it? 128 00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:21,219 It's not exactly a pleasant accompaniment to my organically grown mange-tout. 129 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:22,693 Stinks, doesn't it, Eric? 130 00:09:22,762 --> 00:09:26,562 - I mean, it really stinks. - Yeah, summat stinks all right. 131 00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:29,961 (Whispers) Vial. 132 00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:32,661 Mr. Gimbert? 133 00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:36,196 Telephone call in the house, Mr. Gimbert. 134 00:09:36,275 --> 00:09:39,005 I'll be out there, Lovejoy. I'll be out there. 135 00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:48,153 (Voices) 136 00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:57,128 The minute that dresser goes down, 137 00:09:57,196 --> 00:09:59,255 I want you and Tinker to strap it on the roof rack, 138 00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:01,823 I want you behind the wheel and the engine running, OK? 139 00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,529 - (Laughs) - If you say so. 140 00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:11,009 What's the matter with you? 141 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:14,376 My dad pays you good money to teach me about antiques. 142 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,142 I'm teaching you, aren't I? 143 00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:19,378 What's a getaway driver got to do with antiques all of a sudden? 144 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,420 On your bike. 145 00:10:33,265 --> 00:10:38,760 - You bidding for the dresser? - You call that salopie a dresser? 146 00:10:38,838 --> 00:10:41,568 I thought you French would have gone for that in a big way. 147 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:45,509 Oh! Lovejoy, if I took that piece of junk back to France, 148 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:48,376 they would arrest me for aesthetic pollution. 149 00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:52,508 - You're not interested? - You are... you are joking. 150 00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,917 Oh, I thought I might go to 150 on it. 151 00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:57,979 I know a very weird collector who's got a house full of that stuff. 152 00:10:58,057 --> 00:11:00,617 - You're welcome to it. - Well, thank you. 153 00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:04,595 Oh, and... just for that, I won't bid for the sampler. 154 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,632 Oh, that's big of you. 155 00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:14,136 Lot 110, a Welsh dresser, 18th-century solid seasoned oak. 156 00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:17,198 A spectacular piece. Who'll start me at 100? 157 00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:19,938 100 for a start, anywhere. 100, I'm bid. 158 00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:22,139 Who'll make it 110? I'm looking for 110. 159 00:11:22,214 --> 00:11:24,205 110, I'm bid. Who'll make it 120? 160 00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:25,545 120 I'm looking for. 161 00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:28,086 With you, madam, at 120. Bid's with you at 120. 162 00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:31,123 I'm looking for 50, who'll give me 150? 163 00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:33,681 Come on gentlemen, cheap at the price, 150 I'm bid. 164 00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:37,195 Who'll give me 200? Who'll give me two? Who'll give me two? 165 00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:39,629 200, 200. I'm bid. It's with you, madam, at 200. 166 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,462 Who'll give me 250? 167 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:45,698 250 anywhere? 250, 250, I'm bid. 250, I'm bid, who'll give me three? 168 00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:50,265 Who'll make it three? I'm looking for three, ladies and gentlemen. 300? 169 00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:53,607 This fine Welsh dresser for 300. Don't lose it, madam, 170 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:56,204 don't lose it for another 50. 171 00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:58,614 300, I'm bid, 300 I'm bid. 172 00:11:58,684 --> 00:12:01,619 Who'll make it 350? I'm looking for 350. 173 00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:04,247 Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for 350. 174 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:06,824 350 anywhere? 175 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:10,851 Who'll give me 350? 350 I'm bid, 350, I'm bid. 176 00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:13,626 Who'll make it four? Any more? 177 00:12:13,699 --> 00:12:15,633 - (Man) Four anywhere? - (Mutters in French) 178 00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:16,690 Do I hear four anywhere? 179 00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:20,728 - You shouldn't go any higher than that, honey. - Do I hear four? Who'll give me four? 180 00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:23,434 Who'll give me four? 181 00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:26,603 Four, anyone? 182 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,773 At 350, Lovejoy. 183 00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:33,583 Lot 111, a wardrobe... 184 00:12:33,652 --> 00:12:36,678 You ringed that, Lovejoy, you and that Frenchman have ringed it. 185 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:40,351 It should have gone for five at the very least. I've got a bloody good mind to put it back in. 186 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:43,418 Now, just a moment, just a moment. Monsieur Vial, Monsieur? 187 00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:47,626 - Un moment, s'il vous plait. - Ten, ten anywhere? Six I'm bid. 188 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:51,033 Mr. Gimbert here is accusing you and me of ringing the auction, 189 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:56,700 - what do you say to that? - Moi? For your so-called Welsh dresser? 190 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,973 Monsieur, you and your company should be prosecuted 191 00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:01,979 under the Trade Descriptions Act. 192 00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:06,677 The man who writes your catalogues does not even know where Wales is. 193 00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:07,980 Quel con! 194 00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:12,149 Another thing, Monsieur, take me off your Christmas card list. 195 00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:14,215 (Mutters in French) 196 00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:22,458 (Hooting) 197 00:13:29,341 --> 00:13:31,673 Merde! La vache! 198 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,218 Watch yourself, Catesby. 199 00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:05,570 (Screams) 200 00:14:05,644 --> 00:14:07,612 (Crashing) 201 00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:10,913 - Are you Gimbert? - I beg your pardon. 202 00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:13,975 - I said, are you Gimbert? - I'll call you back, dear. 203 00:14:14,053 --> 00:14:16,544 - Yes, that's me, why? - My name's Catesby. 204 00:14:16,622 --> 00:14:19,455 You've just sold all my dad's stuff, haven't you? 205 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:22,790 - Oh, you're the one who was in... - Got it in one. 206 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,126 Good behavior. (Laughs) 207 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,994 Good behavior. Now, about the sale. 208 00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:30,365 Look, why don't you, uh, take a seat, make yourself comfortable? 209 00:14:33,472 --> 00:14:35,940 Now, as I was saying, about the sale. 210 00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:38,067 Oh, there's nothing left, Mr. Catesby. 211 00:14:38,143 --> 00:14:42,273 Our instructions were quite clear, the entire residue had to be handed over 212 00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:45,078 to the Inland Revenue, less commission and expenses... 213 00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:47,550 I know all about that, that's not what I'm here for. 214 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,145 - Then what are you here for? - I'm here for the dresser. 215 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:52,816 - Dresser, what dresser? - The Welsh dresser! 216 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,985 It were in the hay shed, it's not there now! 217 00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:58,120 Well, in that case, it must have been sold. 218 00:14:58,197 --> 00:15:00,358 Then you'd better unsell it, hadn't you? 219 00:15:00,432 --> 00:15:02,627 Mr. Catesby, with the best will in the world, 220 00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:06,865 I can't retrieve something which has been sold at an auction. 221 00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:09,772 The sale constitutes a legally binding contract. 222 00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:12,936 And even if I could, the owner may not... 223 00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:18,982 While I was in the poky, my solicitor wrote you a letter 224 00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:22,612 telling you not to put the dresser in the sale 'cause it were mine. 225 00:15:22,688 --> 00:15:24,952 It never belonged to my dad. 226 00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:27,492 It was left to me by my gran, it was. 227 00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:29,220 Mine to keep and to give to my kids. 228 00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:32,662 Well, I can't ever remember receiving such a letter. 229 00:15:32,731 --> 00:15:36,223 Well, why don't you check your records, then? 230 00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:39,533 Yes, yes, why don't I do just that? 231 00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:44,174 I'm sure there's a perfectly simple explanation, Mr. Catesby. 232 00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:46,310 Are you all right, Mr. Gimbert? 233 00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:50,974 - Do you want me to call somebody? - No, it's all right, Fred, it's all right. 234 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,653 Let's see. 235 00:15:55,387 --> 00:15:57,184 Aah. 236 00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,258 Oh, I see. 237 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,730 - Yes. - Were I right or were I right? 238 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:08,460 Yes, yes, you were right, Mr. Catesby. 239 00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:11,867 I'm afraid you were right. 240 00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:17,498 Ah, yes, the dresser was sold to a Mr... 241 00:16:17,576 --> 00:16:20,340 Lovejoy, for �350. 242 00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:25,411 Now, what I suggest, Mr. Catesby, is... 243 00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:31,779 I make you out a check for the dresser at sale price plus another 50 on top. 244 00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:35,258 No! That's not good enough. 245 00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:37,891 I want it. 246 00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:41,057 I want it delivered to the dell by one o'clock tomorrow. 247 00:16:43,035 --> 00:16:49,099 You see, Mr. Gimbert, my great-grandfather's great-grandfather 248 00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:52,075 - took part in the Gunpowder Plot. - Oh? 249 00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:54,271 And we Catesbys... 250 00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:59,881 have a thing about keeping tradition alive, 251 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:03,281 if you get my meaning. 252 00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:07,655 I think you've made your point, Mr. Catesby. I think you've made your point. 253 00:17:12,264 --> 00:17:14,664 Hello, Malcolm? It's Lovejoy. 254 00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:18,464 I'm fine, thank you. Listen, are you still into Welsh dressers? 255 00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:20,471 Oh, yeah. Well, I've got a lovely one. 256 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:24,737 Yeah, It's got a lovely look to it, this one, 18th-century, four-door. 257 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:26,209 What am I looking for? 258 00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:29,975 Well, I thought about two and a half thousand. 259 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,647 Don't force it, you pillock, you might scratch the wood. 260 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,619 There's something stopping it. 261 00:17:35,687 --> 00:17:38,554 It's just one of my laborers about to ruin something. 262 00:17:39,091 --> 00:17:42,219 No, I can't let it go for less than two and I'm giving it away at that. 263 00:17:42,294 --> 00:17:45,991 Tell you what, you come down, have a look at it, and bring your checkbook. 264 00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:50,791 - Have you marked it? - I haven't touched it. 265 00:17:50,869 --> 00:17:52,496 Get off! 266 00:17:56,341 --> 00:17:59,037 It feels like some... chain or something. 267 00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:06,614 There, all that's needed is a little subtlety at times, hm? 268 00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:17,186 - Lovejoy? - What? 269 00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:18,388 Lovejoy! 270 00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:23,360 What is it? 271 00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:29,330 Oh! That's amazing, Eric. 272 00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:35,674 - It's real bloody gold. - What is it? 273 00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:39,205 - It's an Arab wedding headdress. - What's it worth? 274 00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:41,775 - I don't know what it's worth. - Well, is it valuable? 275 00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,254 Is the Pope Polish? Get the book. 276 00:18:44,323 --> 00:18:47,850 - Which book? - Friedberg's Gold Coins Of The World. 277 00:18:47,926 --> 00:18:53,728 Look under Italy, Venice. Ludov Manin Dux. 278 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:58,702 - These are zecchini, Eric. - I thought that was spaghetti. 279 00:18:58,770 --> 00:19:01,534 Venetian two-ducat pieces. 280 00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:06,704 "Louis Manin, Doge of Venice, 1789 to 1797, 281 00:19:06,778 --> 00:19:11,147 "two-ducat pieces, $2250." 282 00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:19,385 There's 12 of them at $2250, that's $27,000! 283 00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:24,987 We've cracked it, Eric, we've cracked it, we've cracked it. 284 00:19:25,063 --> 00:19:26,621 - (Laughs) - (Car pulls up) 285 00:19:39,978 --> 00:19:42,071 It's Gimbert. Act normal. 286 00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:45,416 I am acting normal. 287 00:19:51,256 --> 00:19:52,382 Hard at it, eh? 288 00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:55,517 Oh, yes, just trying to earn an honest crust, you know. 289 00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:59,030 What brings you here? Oh, the drains. Brought your sniffer dogs, have you? 290 00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:01,827 I'm here under a flag of truce as a matter of fact, Lovejoy. 291 00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:03,800 Ha, bloody ha. 292 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,702 I'll come straight to the point, a terrible mistake has been made 293 00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:10,902 - and I'll be the first to admit it. - Yes, well, �400 for a clock 294 00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:13,740 with half its insides missing is a bit much, I'll grant you that. 295 00:20:13,812 --> 00:20:17,407 - Not the clock, the dresser. - What about it? 296 00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:21,578 - I want a favor from you. - What? 297 00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:24,315 - I'd like to buy it back. - Can't. 298 00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:25,981 - Why not? - Sold. 299 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,855 What do you mean it's sold? It's still here. 300 00:20:27,926 --> 00:20:31,555 It was a telephone deal, vendido, vendu. That's it, I'm afraid. 301 00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:35,726 Look, Lovejoy, I'll give you the auction price plus another fifty on top. 302 00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,530 - Now how about that? - 400? 303 00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:39,468 You must be joking, I sold it for a grand. 304 00:20:39,538 --> 00:20:41,301 A grand? 305 00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:44,706 Look, the thing is, it shouldn't have appeared in the sale in the first place. 306 00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:45,902 - Ahh? - Look, all right, 307 00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:48,139 cock-up on our part, call it what you will... 308 00:20:48,213 --> 00:20:50,044 But you have to buy it back at any price. 309 00:20:50,115 --> 00:20:52,845 That's the general idea. 310 00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:56,046 But I've no intention of crawling for it, if that's what you think. 311 00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:59,285 Tell you what. 312 00:20:59,358 --> 00:21:02,987 This may generate a pint or two of bad blood amongst the brotherhood 313 00:21:03,061 --> 00:21:05,461 but let's go for it, eh? 314 00:21:05,530 --> 00:21:09,125 Let's call the dresser 400. 315 00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:12,432 - That's exactly what I had in mind. - No, no, no, I haven't finished yet. 316 00:21:12,504 --> 00:21:14,972 - A little VAT perhaps? - No VAT. 317 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,838 - I still owe you 400 for the clock, right? - That's right. 318 00:21:17,909 --> 00:21:20,571 - That's around 800 in all? - Mm-hm. 319 00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:24,776 You give me 400. You can take the dresser with you. 320 00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:29,378 That's 800 quid. That's robbery with violence, Lovejoy. 321 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:33,652 - Take it or leave it. - One of these days, Lovejoy... 322 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:39,894 No, no, don't open your eyes, don't, don't. 323 00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:42,661 Shh. Take your hands away, keep your eyes closed. 324 00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:51,402 - All right, now open them. - Oh, Lovejoy, it's beautiful. 325 00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:56,539 - I knew it would suit you. - What is it? 326 00:21:56,615 --> 00:21:59,140 It's an Arab wedding headdress, it's a part of the dowry, 327 00:21:59,217 --> 00:22:03,017 these... these pieces at the front, these are all solid gold. 328 00:22:03,088 --> 00:22:06,023 Oh, gosh! 329 00:22:06,091 --> 00:22:11,051 I bet Alexander never gave you one of those when he waltzed you down the aisle, did he? 330 00:22:11,129 --> 00:22:13,097 Where on earth did you get it from? 331 00:22:14,766 --> 00:22:16,393 It isn't stolen, is it? 332 00:22:16,468 --> 00:22:19,130 Do we have to bring mistrust and suspicion into this? 333 00:22:19,204 --> 00:22:21,104 I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. 334 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:24,301 - What I meant was... - I know what you meant. 335 00:22:24,376 --> 00:22:26,139 Is it yours? 336 00:22:26,211 --> 00:22:28,771 Well, legally speaking, that's a bit of a gray area. 337 00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:30,815 But... let's just say yes. 338 00:22:33,218 --> 00:22:35,709 - Shall we? - You are going to sell it? 339 00:22:35,787 --> 00:22:40,156 Of course I'm going to sell it. That's why I'm going to London. 340 00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:42,785 - That's where you come in. - Oh I do, do I? 341 00:22:43,695 --> 00:22:45,595 Yes, I thought that I'd, erm, 342 00:22:45,664 --> 00:22:48,758 take you away from all this toil and drudgery for a few days and... 343 00:22:48,834 --> 00:22:50,096 And what? 344 00:22:50,168 --> 00:22:53,763 I thought we'd start with a little romantic music 345 00:22:53,839 --> 00:22:57,297 and then a few candle-lit suppers and then... 346 00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:02,814 do whatever it is that grown up men and women do when they're together. 347 00:23:06,318 --> 00:23:10,277 We've been through all this before. I can't come, you know that. 348 00:23:10,355 --> 00:23:14,052 What's the point of being married to a man who's never here? 349 00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:19,757 What does he do apart from keep you in cashmere sweaters 350 00:23:19,831 --> 00:23:22,026 and hand-made shoes? 351 00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:24,159 I don't think that's any concern of yours. 352 00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:27,296 I know, but diplomacy was never my strong suit, Jane. 353 00:23:27,372 --> 00:23:29,704 You will never know what you're missing. 354 00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:31,743 You only get one crack at the title. 355 00:23:33,879 --> 00:23:36,848 I'm sure you'll tell me all about it when you get back. 356 00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:39,717 I'm sure I will. 357 00:24:17,589 --> 00:24:20,854 - Where do you want it? - Right here! 358 00:24:21,893 --> 00:24:23,861 Sign here, please. 359 00:24:52,457 --> 00:24:53,424 (Screaming) 360 00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:55,585 Right, boys, I think it's time we left. 361 00:24:57,596 --> 00:24:59,564 ( 362 00:25:18,149 --> 00:25:20,117 Permission to come aboard, sir. 363 00:25:22,153 --> 00:25:25,122 Bitch, you got me, huh? What do you want? 364 00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:27,454 - Some of that precious rum, Captain. - No. 365 00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:30,723 - Yes. - I hope you have come to apologize. 366 00:25:34,566 --> 00:25:38,161 Good God, Vial, I'm surprised you don't sink. 367 00:25:38,236 --> 00:25:41,262 Let me worry about that. 368 00:25:41,339 --> 00:25:44,365 - What about the bloody dresser? - What about... 369 00:25:44,442 --> 00:25:45,773 The dresser. 370 00:25:45,844 --> 00:25:48,438 Well, you were well out of there, mon cher, was a repro. 371 00:25:48,513 --> 00:25:51,414 Yes, a repro. But you switched it, Lovejoy, 372 00:25:51,483 --> 00:25:54,247 You switched it and that's not cricket. 373 00:25:54,319 --> 00:25:56,651 The only similarity between cricket and this game 374 00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:58,621 is that they are both played with a hard ball. 375 00:25:58,690 --> 00:26:00,624 Now, how much do you want for this? 376 00:26:00,692 --> 00:26:04,389 Not for sale. And don't wave it around, it might still be loaded. 377 00:26:04,462 --> 00:26:05,827 After two hundred years? 378 00:26:05,897 --> 00:26:07,865 Pourquoi pas? 379 00:26:07,933 --> 00:26:11,061 - (Clattering) - The way you treat your stuff, Vial. 380 00:26:11,136 --> 00:26:16,403 Best stuff goes to France there is nothing left here over ten quid. 381 00:26:16,474 --> 00:26:19,841 The poor man's antiques, you might say. You want a coffee? 382 00:26:20,679 --> 00:26:23,170 No, makes me nervous. 383 00:26:27,519 --> 00:26:29,316 (Whistles) 384 00:26:32,657 --> 00:26:34,887 Oh! (Laughs) 385 00:26:36,161 --> 00:26:39,653 It's beautiful. It's not stolen, is it? 386 00:26:39,731 --> 00:26:41,926 What do you take me for? 387 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,163 - What do you want to do with it? - What do I want to do with it? 388 00:26:45,236 --> 00:26:47,898 Want to offload it, that's what I want to do with it. 389 00:26:47,973 --> 00:26:51,170 I'm not into gold. You want to ask the Frommers. 390 00:26:51,242 --> 00:26:55,303 - Who? - The Frommers, the Jewish men. 391 00:26:55,380 --> 00:26:59,248 They are always going round the market buying up scrap gold and silver. 392 00:26:59,317 --> 00:27:01,376 It's not scrap. It's antique. 393 00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:04,081 Je suis pas aveugle. I can see that. 394 00:27:04,856 --> 00:27:07,552 I tell you what, you do my store with me tomorrow 395 00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:10,220 and just wait until they show up. 396 00:27:17,268 --> 00:27:21,830 (Man) Did you hear what happened to the girl who fell asleep on the synagogue steps? 397 00:27:25,377 --> 00:27:27,709 I thought you were Vial. 398 00:27:27,779 --> 00:27:32,409 - What's the punch line? - Oh, she woke up under a heavy Jew. 399 00:27:33,718 --> 00:27:36,653 - You by any chance the Frommer? - Oy vey. Am I the Frommer, he asks me. 400 00:27:36,721 --> 00:27:39,519 - Who did you think I was? Pancho Villa? - You never know these days. 401 00:27:39,591 --> 00:27:43,186 Erm, you got any scrap? Anything that you want to melt? 402 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,629 My, my. 403 00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:50,099 - Is it kosher? - Arab, actually. 404 00:27:50,168 --> 00:27:52,932 - Well no matter, no matter. - Want you to price it for me. 405 00:27:53,004 --> 00:27:56,906 - No sooner said than done Mr... er... - Lovejoy. 406 00:27:56,975 --> 00:27:59,773 My name is Frobel, by the way. 407 00:27:59,844 --> 00:28:02,711 Erm, shall we retire to the office? 408 00:28:05,183 --> 00:28:07,879 - Frobel, how are you? - As always, Vial, as always. 409 00:28:58,103 --> 00:29:01,004 You do know what it is, don't you? 410 00:29:01,072 --> 00:29:04,872 Well it's certainly not latkes or pickle, that's for sure. 411 00:29:05,977 --> 00:29:08,673 - Where did you get it? - It fell out of the sky. 412 00:29:08,747 --> 00:29:14,686 The only thing that falls out of the sky in this country, Mr. Lovejoy, is bird shit. 413 00:29:22,460 --> 00:29:24,428 Yes, just hold it there, will you? 414 00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:38,499 Ah. 415 00:29:38,576 --> 00:29:43,411 Well it does say Ludov Manin ducats, mm? 416 00:29:44,449 --> 00:29:45,973 I mean, they are two-ducat pieces. 417 00:29:46,050 --> 00:29:48,814 Ducat, shmucat, no value, they've got holes in them. 418 00:29:50,889 --> 00:29:53,949 - Wait! - How am I supposed to weigh it? 419 00:29:56,594 --> 00:29:58,562 Oh, go on. 420 00:30:03,535 --> 00:30:05,503 Hold that, will you? 421 00:30:10,842 --> 00:30:12,810 Now hold this. 422 00:30:22,854 --> 00:30:25,152 10.5 grams exactly. 423 00:30:25,223 --> 00:30:28,158 Times, uh, one, two, three, four, five, six, 424 00:30:28,226 --> 00:30:31,992 seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, is 126 grams 425 00:30:32,063 --> 00:30:34,725 at �8 a gram... 426 00:30:34,799 --> 00:30:37,529 (Mutters) �1008 exactly. 427 00:30:37,602 --> 00:30:40,002 - Scrap value! - What do you mean, scrap value? 428 00:30:40,071 --> 00:30:41,504 I'm giving you �8 a gram. 429 00:30:41,573 --> 00:30:43,200 Fine gold fix is worth only �8.50. 430 00:30:43,274 --> 00:30:45,970 I'm only making 5%, may only end up with two. 431 00:30:46,044 --> 00:30:47,909 Oh, take it or leave it, that's the best I can do. 432 00:30:47,979 --> 00:30:49,571 We're talking antiques, not scrap. 433 00:30:49,647 --> 00:30:52,980 - Well then, knock it out to a punter. - Take a good look at it. 434 00:30:53,051 --> 00:30:56,452 It's a collector's dream. The coins alone must be worth at least a grand. 435 00:30:56,521 --> 00:30:58,580 Well then, be charitable, give some to Oxfam. 436 00:30:58,656 --> 00:31:00,419 Either that or put it in for the melt. 437 00:31:07,131 --> 00:31:09,258 You don't want the deal? 438 00:31:09,334 --> 00:31:11,928 Not at that price. 439 00:31:12,003 --> 00:31:15,200 Look, I tell you what I do, 440 00:31:15,273 --> 00:31:19,369 as a special favor to a friend of Vial's, I'll run it for you. 441 00:31:19,444 --> 00:31:21,469 - You'll run it for me? - Yes, I'll run it for you, 442 00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:23,673 I'll take it round to few people I know in the trade. 443 00:31:23,748 --> 00:31:26,216 Let me have it for a few days, I'll see what I can do. 444 00:31:26,284 --> 00:31:29,185 Oh, as in, "You go ahead with the frankincense and myrrh, 445 00:31:29,254 --> 00:31:30,915 "and I'll follow on with the gold"? 446 00:31:30,989 --> 00:31:34,948 - I did not come up on the down train. - All right, already. 447 00:31:35,026 --> 00:31:36,687 - Where are you staying? - With Vial. 448 00:31:36,761 --> 00:31:40,197 So, look, you don't do anything with it for a couple of days. 449 00:31:40,265 --> 00:31:42,392 I'll see what I can do. All right? 450 00:31:42,467 --> 00:31:44,367 I will be. 451 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,008 All righty. 452 00:31:51,809 --> 00:31:53,777 ( 453 00:32:16,334 --> 00:32:19,929 - Yeah? - I'm looking for Mr. Lovejoy. 454 00:32:20,004 --> 00:32:21,972 He's not here. 455 00:32:32,417 --> 00:32:35,215 - Why don't you come in? - Are you sure he's not here? 456 00:32:35,286 --> 00:32:37,049 Who are you? A dealer? 457 00:32:37,121 --> 00:32:39,715 No, I'm from the Inland Revenue. 458 00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:42,521 - Then he's definitely not here. - Do you work for him? 459 00:32:44,395 --> 00:32:47,694 - Well in a manner of speaking, no. - Then what are you doing here? 460 00:32:47,765 --> 00:32:51,428 - Jut a bit of caretaking. - With a Havana cigar? 461 00:32:51,502 --> 00:32:54,164 Look, are you sure he's not here? 462 00:32:54,238 --> 00:32:58,106 - He's not here, he's gone away. - No forwarding address? 463 00:32:58,176 --> 00:33:01,111 Well I can't read, see, and my memory is terrible. 464 00:33:01,179 --> 00:33:02,612 Where's Lovejoy? 465 00:33:03,648 --> 00:33:07,140 Houseboat Redoubtable, Old Ferry Wharf, er... 466 00:33:07,218 --> 00:33:10,051 Cheney Walk, London, SW10. 467 00:33:10,121 --> 00:33:11,645 Right, I got that. 468 00:33:16,961 --> 00:33:21,330 Strange how a lethal weapon has a way of lubricating the brain, isn't it? 469 00:33:27,538 --> 00:33:29,802 - Tinker? Oi! - (Dog barking) 470 00:33:30,875 --> 00:33:32,843 Come on! Tinker! 471 00:33:34,779 --> 00:33:37,304 What's the matter? They dropped the bomb or something? 472 00:33:37,382 --> 00:33:39,850 No, I'll drop your bomb, where you been all bloody day? 473 00:33:39,917 --> 00:33:41,646 I'm trying to get Vial's number. 474 00:33:51,295 --> 00:33:52,762 - Have you got it? - What? 475 00:33:52,830 --> 00:33:54,627 Vial's number, have you got it? 476 00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:57,759 - Who's Vial? - That French geezer who was at the sale. 477 00:33:57,835 --> 00:33:59,962 He gave you his business card, didn't he? 478 00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:01,403 What do you want his number for? 479 00:34:01,472 --> 00:34:03,736 I've got a feeling Lovejoy is about to lose his head. 480 00:34:05,777 --> 00:34:07,745 A call for you. 481 00:34:11,082 --> 00:34:13,050 A call. 482 00:34:18,856 --> 00:34:20,483 (Yawns) Hello? 483 00:34:20,558 --> 00:34:23,186 Oh, Tink. 484 00:34:23,261 --> 00:34:26,424 Eric says there's an axman on the loose 485 00:34:26,497 --> 00:34:28,897 and he made Eric give him your address. 486 00:34:28,966 --> 00:34:32,026 What do you mean, there's a tax man on the loose? Been on the sauce again? 487 00:34:32,103 --> 00:34:34,128 He's after you, Lovejoy, Eric... 488 00:34:34,205 --> 00:34:35,934 Is that what you called to tell me? 489 00:34:36,007 --> 00:34:38,567 Well, no, I appreciate your concern but... 490 00:34:38,643 --> 00:34:41,737 Lovejoy, you don't understand, this is serious. 491 00:34:41,813 --> 00:34:44,976 Go back to bed, Tink, sleep it off. 492 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:52,578 - What was that about? - Something about the tax man cometh. 493 00:34:52,657 --> 00:34:55,251 Like Papa Noel, once a year. 494 00:35:09,307 --> 00:35:11,275 What are you looking for? 495 00:35:13,211 --> 00:35:15,771 I was looking to see 15 at least. 496 00:35:15,847 --> 00:35:19,908 - I might think about 1450. - Would you? 497 00:35:20,918 --> 00:35:23,819 It's not quite as crisp as I thought. 498 00:35:23,888 --> 00:35:27,756 Just a moment, are you talking in hundreds or thousands? 499 00:35:27,825 --> 00:35:30,658 You don't think I'd give you 15 grand for this, do you? 500 00:35:30,728 --> 00:35:33,663 Please, don't waste my time, this is a rare antique, 501 00:35:33,731 --> 00:35:35,790 the gold coins alone are worth 2000 each. 502 00:35:35,867 --> 00:35:40,304 These little danglers are two-ducat pieces, not Maundy money. 503 00:35:40,371 --> 00:35:42,305 Well, put it to the melt then. 504 00:35:56,654 --> 00:36:00,681 This sort of thing is traded extensively all over the Middle East. 505 00:36:03,227 --> 00:36:05,218 Well, you know this coin is not the... 506 00:36:05,296 --> 00:36:07,230 not the commonest in the word. 507 00:36:07,298 --> 00:36:11,564 Friedberg prices them at approximately �2000 each. 508 00:36:11,636 --> 00:36:14,969 Always was prone to little exaggerations, was Mr. Friedberg. 509 00:36:15,039 --> 00:36:18,338 (Chuckles) What's the best you can do? 510 00:36:18,409 --> 00:36:21,276 The best I can do? 511 00:36:21,345 --> 00:36:24,906 Well, bearing in mind that they're holed and they could well be copies, 512 00:36:24,982 --> 00:36:27,542 uh, 100 each would be my limit 513 00:36:27,618 --> 00:36:31,349 and that still leaves you quite a bit of scrap. 514 00:36:31,422 --> 00:36:33,185 A hundred? 515 00:36:33,257 --> 00:36:36,124 You said a hundred? Can you look at it? 516 00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:40,858 Just look at it. This is a unique example of antique Arab jewelry. 517 00:36:40,932 --> 00:36:44,129 What's the matter with you people? Do you always put bullion before beauty? 518 00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:47,638 The only words I've heard since I've come here are Frommers, scrap, melt. 519 00:36:47,705 --> 00:36:51,835 Then I should advertise it in the Exchange and Mart, Mr. Lovejoy. 520 00:36:51,909 --> 00:36:53,877 ( 521 00:37:07,158 --> 00:37:11,094 Looks like somebody's nicked a Victorian stocking darner. 522 00:37:11,162 --> 00:37:14,461 Yeah, I've had a bad day too. 523 00:37:15,533 --> 00:37:17,592 On top of that I've got to see Frobel in an hour. 524 00:37:19,904 --> 00:37:21,872 - (Bell rings) - Oh. 525 00:37:28,012 --> 00:37:31,209 Oh, no, beam me up, Scotty. What are you doing here? 526 00:37:31,282 --> 00:37:33,807 - Collecting contributions. - I gave already. 527 00:37:33,884 --> 00:37:35,852 The Inland Revenue says not. 528 00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,047 If you saw a ghost, you'd ask if he'd paid death duty. 529 00:37:38,122 --> 00:37:42,752 - I hate to go away empty-handed. - Well, so do I, Miss Taylor, so do I. 530 00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:48,323 (Lovejoy) What's the deal? (Frobel) The deal is 531 00:37:48,399 --> 00:37:52,165 that this man will only do business with me. 532 00:37:52,236 --> 00:37:55,069 He wants to remain anonymous, if you get my meaning. 533 00:37:55,139 --> 00:37:57,403 (Lovejoy) How come? (Frobel) How should I know? 534 00:37:57,475 --> 00:37:59,170 Perhaps he's a Virgo. 535 00:38:00,845 --> 00:38:02,836 Ah, there he is. 536 00:38:10,087 --> 00:38:11,520 Just one thing, Frobel, 537 00:38:11,589 --> 00:38:15,081 you pull any kind of stunt, you pull anything, 538 00:38:15,159 --> 00:38:16,353 I'll tear your face off. 539 00:38:16,427 --> 00:38:18,452 What happened to that little thing called trust? 540 00:38:18,529 --> 00:38:22,295 Please, don't insult my intelligence. No tricks. 541 00:38:22,366 --> 00:38:24,834 I should be so lucky. 542 00:39:18,022 --> 00:39:20,889 - As you see, my hands never left my arms. - Ha, ha. 543 00:39:25,663 --> 00:39:28,393 What's the deal? And why the pictures? 544 00:39:28,466 --> 00:39:31,458 Um, oh, he needs something to show to his people. 545 00:39:31,535 --> 00:39:34,436 - He want to discuss it with them. - With whom? 546 00:39:34,505 --> 00:39:35,972 Like I say, with his people. 547 00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:38,508 We may be talking big money here, Lovejoy, big money. 548 00:39:38,576 --> 00:39:41,773 - How big? - Oh, four, five thousand. 549 00:39:41,846 --> 00:39:43,609 Peanuts. 550 00:39:43,681 --> 00:39:46,275 Leave it to me, eh? This is the best deal you'll ever get. 551 00:39:46,350 --> 00:39:50,150 And another thing, don't carry it round with you no more, leave it at home 552 00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:52,689 When you get mugged, my percentage gets stroft. 553 00:39:52,757 --> 00:39:55,191 'Standen? 554 00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:57,694 - Hey! Mon Pineau! - Ah! 555 00:40:01,432 --> 00:40:02,421 What is this? 556 00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:06,596 This is Pont I'�v�que, my friend. 557 00:40:06,670 --> 00:40:09,104 - Do you have any real food? - Like what? 558 00:40:09,173 --> 00:40:11,835 You live in a boat but you don't even have any fish fingers. 559 00:40:11,909 --> 00:40:14,878 You know something, Lovejoy, sometimes I think that the English 560 00:40:14,945 --> 00:40:18,403 are constitutionally incapable of eating well. 561 00:40:18,482 --> 00:40:19,710 Just incapable of cooking. 562 00:40:19,784 --> 00:40:22,878 Well, I'm not. And right now I feel like 563 00:40:22,953 --> 00:40:25,922 gigot and flageolets with garlic and thyme. 564 00:40:28,192 --> 00:40:31,525 You pay, I cook, how about that? 565 00:40:33,164 --> 00:40:35,132 You're on. 566 00:40:50,247 --> 00:40:54,047 Mm. I am going to sprinkle it with this fantastic thyme 567 00:40:54,118 --> 00:40:56,643 I found in the mountains behind Graz. 568 00:40:56,720 --> 00:40:59,553 - Mm, incredible smell. - A little mint, perhaps? 569 00:40:59,623 --> 00:41:02,649 Much better than the stuff you buy in packets. 570 00:41:02,726 --> 00:41:06,389 You can have some if you want, but just a little, of course. 571 00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:10,491 - No mint? - Oh, you're a real English, Lovejoy. 572 00:41:12,603 --> 00:41:15,231 It's far too dry. I am going to change it. 573 00:41:20,377 --> 00:41:24,507 You know, I had a fantastic gigot en croute in Deauville once. 574 00:41:24,582 --> 00:41:26,413 The sheep eat the grass on the beach, 575 00:41:26,484 --> 00:41:29,078 which means that you never have to put salt on the meat. 576 00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:31,018 (Laughs) How about that? 577 00:41:31,088 --> 00:41:33,352 Maybe they should get them to eat garlic too. 578 00:41:33,424 --> 00:41:36,018 And then train them to jump straight into the oven. 579 00:41:36,093 --> 00:41:38,061 Merde! J'ai �t� cambriol�. 580 00:41:39,163 --> 00:41:42,132 What the hell are you doing? You're not going to go in there? 581 00:41:42,199 --> 00:41:45,794 - And let them get away with it? - Let me phone to the police. Mon dieu! 582 00:41:45,870 --> 00:41:49,499 Shh. Just make sure they spell my name right in the papers. 583 00:42:17,134 --> 00:42:18,897 Psst! 584 00:42:18,969 --> 00:42:20,937 - Aaah! - (Crashing) 585 00:42:21,505 --> 00:42:24,872 Putain! You've killed him, and with a leg of lamb. 586 00:42:37,254 --> 00:42:41,156 - Come on. - (Moans) 587 00:42:41,225 --> 00:42:44,422 (Cockney accent) What did you do me with, Lovejoy? Half a brick or something? 588 00:42:44,495 --> 00:42:48,659 Two and a half pounds of best New Zealand. You're lucky it wasn't pork. 589 00:42:48,732 --> 00:42:51,565 Caved my brains in, you w-w-wally. 590 00:42:51,635 --> 00:42:54,763 What happened to this... Yiddish accent all of a sudden? 591 00:42:54,838 --> 00:42:56,601 And the fancy dress, huh? 592 00:42:56,674 --> 00:42:58,539 Leave it out, Lovejoy, leave it out. 593 00:42:58,609 --> 00:43:01,169 Can you explain yourself? Any extenuating circumstances 594 00:43:01,245 --> 00:43:02,872 before Monsieur Vial phones the fuzz? 595 00:43:02,947 --> 00:43:06,314 (Mutters) Phones... phones the fuzz? 596 00:43:06,383 --> 00:43:10,786 Who are you trying to kid? You get the bill down here, they'll do you for receiving. 597 00:43:10,854 --> 00:43:13,482 Receiving what? 598 00:43:13,557 --> 00:43:15,525 I'm surprised... that... 599 00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:19,120 that headdress hasn't burnt it's way through the floorboards by now, it's so hot. 600 00:43:19,196 --> 00:43:22,461 So hot, in fact, it's... it's gotta be worth six months of anybody's time. 601 00:43:22,533 --> 00:43:24,057 Just playing Frommer, were you? 602 00:43:24,134 --> 00:43:26,967 It's the truth, Lovejoy, that headdress... 603 00:43:27,037 --> 00:43:30,939 that Arab trinket is nicked from the aristocracy. 604 00:43:31,008 --> 00:43:33,909 Heavy-duty aristocracy who don't even like losing a golf ball. 605 00:43:33,978 --> 00:43:36,947 Truth? You wouldn't know the truth if it sat up and bit you in the arse. 606 00:43:37,014 --> 00:43:39,312 Ow! 607 00:43:39,383 --> 00:43:42,875 Look, no hard feelings, sunshine, 608 00:43:42,953 --> 00:43:46,548 but either you stick with me for the reward money 609 00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:49,354 or you cross yourself off the electoral roll for six months. 610 00:43:49,426 --> 00:43:53,157 Reward? Did you say reward? 611 00:43:53,230 --> 00:43:57,428 Did I say reward? Well it must have been the bang on the head you give me. 612 00:43:57,501 --> 00:43:58,798 (Catesby) Lovejoy! 613 00:43:58,869 --> 00:44:02,066 - Who the hell is that? - You'd better go and find out. 614 00:44:02,139 --> 00:44:04,107 - Me? - Yes, you. 615 00:44:17,421 --> 00:44:19,252 - Who is it? - It's a monster. 616 00:44:19,323 --> 00:44:20,620 - What? - With an ax! 617 00:44:20,691 --> 00:44:22,488 - (Mumbling) - Shh, don't. 618 00:44:22,559 --> 00:44:24,424 Mon dieu! Mon dieu! Putain de t�l�phone! 619 00:44:24,495 --> 00:44:27,862 - Do you have a gun? - A gun? 620 00:44:27,931 --> 00:44:30,729 I am Vial from Dijon not Kroup of Germany. 621 00:44:30,801 --> 00:44:33,702 - Well, a cosh, or a carving knife? - (Frobel mumbles) 622 00:44:33,771 --> 00:44:35,739 A sword? 623 00:44:35,806 --> 00:44:37,774 Saber? I don't know. 624 00:44:49,286 --> 00:44:51,516 Where's Lovejoy? 625 00:44:51,588 --> 00:44:53,988 Which one of you bastards is Lovejoy? 626 00:44:58,495 --> 00:45:00,224 - Where is it? - (Frobel mumbles) 627 00:45:00,297 --> 00:45:03,596 Where's my stuff, you snake? What have you done with my gear? 628 00:45:03,667 --> 00:45:04,759 (Stifled shouts) 629 00:45:04,835 --> 00:45:07,929 Just a moment, just a moment, a second, please. 630 00:45:08,005 --> 00:45:10,701 You come in here, barge your way in uninvited, 631 00:45:10,774 --> 00:45:13,368 smash the place about, I mean, waving this thing around, 632 00:45:13,444 --> 00:45:15,878 I mean, who are you anyway? 633 00:45:15,946 --> 00:45:20,815 What do you mean who am I? I'm Catesby, that's who I am. 634 00:45:21,585 --> 00:45:25,954 Catesby? I never heard them mention a Catesby, did you? 635 00:45:26,023 --> 00:45:28,514 I thought it was gonna be a black guy called Ezra. 636 00:45:28,592 --> 00:45:31,857 (Stammers) I thought it was supposed to be Ezra. 637 00:45:31,929 --> 00:45:35,990 You, um... you must be the replacement. 638 00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:38,091 - Replacement for what? - Hit man. 639 00:45:38,168 --> 00:45:40,636 You know, the one who's gonna off Lovejoy, cash his check, 640 00:45:40,704 --> 00:45:44,140 but you cant do it with that, I mean it's... it's a bit amateur night out, isn't it? 641 00:45:44,208 --> 00:45:48,008 I'm not going to off anybody. All I want is my gear and I'm going. 642 00:45:48,078 --> 00:45:51,809 Well in that case, you've invited yourself to the wrong party, 643 00:45:51,882 --> 00:45:54,851 - hasn't he, Monsieur Vial? - He certainly has. 644 00:45:54,918 --> 00:45:57,853 I'm sorry, but if anyone's going to zap Lovejoy it's going to be us. 645 00:45:57,921 --> 00:46:01,857 Now you, uh, know what this is, don't you? 646 00:46:01,925 --> 00:46:04,826 - Looks like a bath tap. - Well, you'd be wrong there. 647 00:46:04,895 --> 00:46:08,854 - It's an 18-century muff pistol. - A what? 648 00:46:08,932 --> 00:46:11,924 - Muff pistol. - That's what I thought you said. 649 00:46:12,002 --> 00:46:15,130 One shot can blow your head off. 650 00:46:15,205 --> 00:46:17,969 - In your case, I'm not quite so sure. - Oh, really? 651 00:46:18,041 --> 00:46:22,307 Yeah, really, and if you don't haul ass I'm gonna pull the trigger, punk. 652 00:46:22,379 --> 00:46:25,109 What are you waiting for then? (Laughs) 653 00:46:25,182 --> 00:46:28,743 - I'm gonna count to three. - I'll count with you, if you like. 654 00:46:28,819 --> 00:46:32,414 - All right. One, two... - One, two... 655 00:46:32,489 --> 00:46:35,947 Two and a half. You asked for it. 656 00:46:37,327 --> 00:46:39,295 Holy shit. 657 00:46:42,533 --> 00:46:44,933 Well that's some bath tap, isn't it, Frobel? 658 00:46:45,002 --> 00:46:50,065 (Mumbles) If you ever do that to me again, Lovejoy, I'll... 659 00:46:50,140 --> 00:46:53,632 - You'll what? - I'll die! 660 00:46:53,710 --> 00:46:56,474 - I tell you! I'll just die! - (Splashing) 661 00:47:02,352 --> 00:47:04,320 (Laughs) 662 00:47:10,127 --> 00:47:14,063 Bien jou�, mon brave. Now we eat. D'accord? 663 00:47:15,065 --> 00:47:18,125 Hein? Alors, a table. 664 00:47:32,649 --> 00:47:35,209 There is one thing I don't understand. 665 00:47:35,285 --> 00:47:40,746 If your name is Bert, not Frobel, and you're not Jewish... 666 00:47:40,824 --> 00:47:42,052 Ssh! 667 00:47:42,125 --> 00:47:44,457 (Whispers) Well, why do you wear these clothes? 668 00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:48,191 Respect for uniforms. So they know what they're dealing with. 669 00:47:54,137 --> 00:47:58,005 Have you ever seen an airline pilot wearing a fur coat? 670 00:48:01,278 --> 00:48:03,246 Can't say I have. 671 00:48:06,416 --> 00:48:09,044 - But you're an Anglican. - What? 672 00:48:09,119 --> 00:48:11,610 Well, doesn't it go a little against the grain? 673 00:48:13,090 --> 00:48:15,285 Grain, shmain. 674 00:48:21,164 --> 00:48:23,132 Gentlemen? 675 00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:27,362 His Lordship will see you now. 676 00:48:46,657 --> 00:48:48,625 ( 677 00:48:50,727 --> 00:48:52,695 Wahey! 678 00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:55,732 679 00:48:59,937 --> 00:49:01,905 ( 680 00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:10,914 (Car horn) 681 00:49:13,183 --> 00:49:14,844 Shit. 682 00:49:14,918 --> 00:49:17,079 (Horn continues) 683 00:49:43,113 --> 00:49:46,844 I know, I know. In a small world department, try this on for size. 684 00:49:46,917 --> 00:49:50,080 I mean, what is it? Do you fancy me or something? 685 00:49:50,153 --> 00:49:52,314 I'd like to be one of the first to congratulate you 686 00:49:52,389 --> 00:49:55,222 on your good fortune, Mr. Lovejoy. 687 00:49:55,292 --> 00:49:56,657 What good fortune? 688 00:49:56,727 --> 00:49:59,025 The page three story about the local antique dealer 689 00:49:59,096 --> 00:50:01,826 claiming that large reward. 690 00:50:01,898 --> 00:50:03,889 Anything left of the 12,000? 691 00:50:04,568 --> 00:50:07,799 Working clothes, Miss Taylor, merely working clothes. 692 00:50:07,871 --> 00:50:10,271 You have the receipts, I take it? 693 00:50:12,676 --> 00:50:15,804 Do you think we could discuss this over lunch, just you and I? 694 00:50:18,181 --> 00:50:20,081 Oh, I think that's possible. 695 00:50:20,150 --> 00:50:23,586 Bearing in mind that whatever refreshment we may partake of 696 00:50:23,653 --> 00:50:26,679 will be non-tax-deductible, Mr. Lovejoy. 697 00:50:26,757 --> 00:50:28,691 Of course. 698 00:50:28,759 --> 00:50:29,919 Come on. 699 00:50:36,266 --> 00:50:38,962 I know a nice little place that sells limpets.